Could have done better...

Hi everyone!

I feel like I have been going, going, going all week!! Also, I'm pretty sure the only thing I ever talk about anymore is Crossfit!! Not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing- don't care- I love it! So this week (like most weeks) had a lot of highs and lows. I've been dealing with some self-esteem/confidence issues as well. First things first- The open workout 13.2. Wow. It didn't look that bad on paper, but once I tried to do it, I realized I'm not as strong as I think I am. Here's the 13.2 Wod:
Complete as many reps as possible in 10 minutes of:
5 shoulder to overhead (push-press/push jerk, etc.)- 75lbs.
10 dead-lifts 75lbs.
15 box jumps- 20" box (Step-ups permitted)

I watched the live announcement on the games website (nerd) and I thought- great-I can do this- easy day. I was especially relieved to have the option to do step ups- we all know I can't jump to save my life! The day following the open announcement, Mike programs the skills that we will need for the open. This is awesome because we actually get a little taste of what's to come & can see if we can actually do what's required. Heads up- 75 pounds is SO HEAVY when you are trying to lift it overhead. I thought I was strong- but that bar felt like a million pounds. The dead lifts were cake. Then came the box jumps/step ups. When I read the open workout, I was pumped- I thought Yes- this is gonna be awesome- I'm gonna rock this. FALSE. I could not get myself on to that box on Thursday. Thank goodness for Mike. I can't even tell you how much he means to me- I would have already quit crossfit by now, if it wasn't for him. God love him for being so patient with me! After trying & subsequently failing to get on the 20" box- Mike came up with a plan. We started with the smallest box. I was able to step up on that- no problem. Next, he added a 45lb. plate to the box. That was fine. Then he went to add a 35lb plate. I couldn't do that right away- but I kept trying. It looked like a bomb of weight plates went off at my station! I was having such a hard time (mentally) trying to figure out why the heck I couldn't get onto that stupid box. I can get on there when I have to jumping pull ups- why can't I do it now? Eventually, I had a mini mental breakdown & the tears started flowing...during the wod. I was kind of embarrassed, but more frustrated with myself. So I stepped back- & Mike helped me get my mind right. He told me to count to 7 (random number- but it worked!), don't think about it, & try again. And you know what? I got up there. Most of the time, my mind is my own worst enemy. Although it was difficult, at least I knew that I could do it for when Saturday rolled around.
Our box is one of 5 different boxes that are hosting the open workouts- so it was kind of an open house where people from other boxes could come & do 13.2 at our gym & see our new (gorgeous) space. We were also encouraged to invite family & friends to come & cheer us on. I  invited my mom & aunt- I didn't think they would come, but they did & I'm grateful. At least they know what the heck I'm doing now! We had a few visitors- some from the Coast Guard station in Hull & a super handsome/awesome/amazing athlete /coach named Joe from Reebok CF One. He was awesome. Since we had so many people & our other coach Harrison was doing the workout- it was great to have an extra set of eyes around. No lie- I walked by the coaches lounge & thought that Joe was Rich Froning- reigning fittest man on earth. I thought the owner of RCFBC- Chris- who knows Rich, actually got him to visit our box. I was excited & then instantly terrified because I didn't wear makeup that day!!!! But it wasn't Rich...it was Joe. LOL. Luckily, I was in the first heat- so I got to get the wod over with first- & then I could judge my partner, Christy. Christy is amazing. She is the biggest motivator & all around awesome person. She is like a wicked cool mom I feel like. She has an awesome pink streak in her hair & she is just the nicest human. If it wasn't for her, I  probably would have never made it through the workout. The combination of Christy, Mike, Joe & the energy in the box made 13.2 do-able. I'm hoping Joe will be able to come coach with us again soon!  He is amazing too!!
The clock started & we were off. That bar was incredibly heavy. Joe was giving me pointers along the way- which was great- but it didn't change the weight of the bar. After a struggle-fest with that bar- I finished the 5 shoulder- to overheads- then I blasted through the dead-lifts. Then came the dreaded box. Mike came over and said to me "Make that box your bitch." Wise words from my coach. hahahahaha. Although I didn't get up there on the first try, I kept trying & didn't stop. Having Christy, Joe & Mike around cheering me on & giving me pointers, helped me get less frustrated. It felt like forever, but I finally got through the 15 step ups. It took me a significant chunk of time to get through them- but I did. And I was so proud that I could get through at least one round. So with 3ish minutes remaining- I was back on the bar. At this point, I was already spent- having spent so much time trying to get on that dumb box. I got 4 overheads done- and I was trying to get that 5th one in so I could up my reps, but I just couldn't get it. I couldn't lock my arms out- I was shaking like crazy and the bar was all over the place. It was incredibly frustrating- even more so than the box. Time was called, and I had only got a total of 34 reps in 10 minutes. I know I shouldn't compare myself to everyone in the gym (we have some amazing athletes) but I thought I would at least be able to get through 50. I was so upset. I tried to keep it together- so my mom & aunt wouldn't think I was  hurt or anything- but on the inside I was so disappointed with myself. People were pulling numbers from the 90s to 100s & even mid 200s!! I am in awe of those people. I instantly felt inadequate & sorry for myself. I pulled it together- because I had to judge Christy now- She got an amazing 112 reps!
I just kept thinking about how bad I did. Even with everyone's positive reinforcement, I still felt awful. I let it mull & celebrated that grueling workout being over with everyone. Nothing like a few beers, paleo cupcakes, & guacamole after a rough workout! After a while, I decided that I would gladly accept my 34 reps for 13.2. I've only been doing crossfit for about 12 weeks, and the chances that I would've been able to do that 12 weeks ago are slim to none. I did what I could do. I am proud of myself for all of the hard work and dedication I've been giving this aspect of my life. There has never been anything that I've dedicated myself to, as much as I have to crossfit. There's going to be more hard times, but I'm proud of the progress that I have made so far. I'm not the best- and I may never be, but I'm also not the worst. I'm me. I'm a work in progress- I'm getting stronger- mentally & physically everyday. If it wasn't for my crossfit family, I would have already quit & would have probably been doing nothing with my life. I have new found sense of worth since starting this journey. I am learning new things about myself everyday. I am making friendships that I know will last forever- I already consider most of these people my family. I am happy to have something in my life that is making me happy. With my 27th birthday just around the corner (Sunday), things are starting to fall into place. I can't help but get emotional. I can't believe it's taken me this long to finally find what's been missing in my life. Who knew it would be crossfit?! I am completely blessed & overwhelmed with the support I've gotten from all of you over the past few weeks. You have no idea how much your words of encouragement, a clap for me while I'm still going, the positive reinforcement means to me. It's the only way I can keep myself going. Eventually, I'll learn to believe in myself, but that will take time. For now, I'll cherish everything you guys do for me. I'm trying to change me- but you are an integral part of the change. I am eternally grateful for all the time, effort, & energy people have put in to help me out. Words cannot explain.
Well, it's way past my bed time now- but I can't wait for 13.3 to be announced on Wednesday. Until it gets announced, I'll be having anxiety! Good night & thank you for reading this wicked long post! <3 <3 <3

-A