When your life plan veers off track...

Hi everyone! Hope you are all well! I'm doing okay...I think. haha. 

So things in my life have not been going according to plan. At least the plan that I had mapped out in my head. Anyone who knows me, is very aware that I hate being off route- I don't like not having a plan, and flying by the seat of my pants. So when something happens that I don't expect, it rattles me. A lot. I know I sound like a broken record, most of the time, and this post will probably be something that you've read before, but it's just stuff I need to get off of my chest- and then maybe I'll feel a little better!

At this point in my life, I imagined myself in my own home, with a husband (or serious significant other)- maybe with a kid. Instead, I'm living at home, with no significant others in sight- like no men in sight, and a ton of debt. Basically, the complete opposite of where I thought I would be. The last few weeks have been especially trying for me (it's wedding season), and I just have this overall feeling of failure. I've been trying to focus on the positive things that I've accomplished in life, but somehow, it's not enough. I just always feel like I'm in life limbo- nothing is that good, but nothing is that bad either. It's weird, and I don't like being at this point. I can put on a face wherever I am, but no one knows what happens when I drive home from work (hint: it's crying to John Mayer alone- ha) or when I get home (hint: it's still crying to John Mayer in bed- alone). I try to keep my positive outlook on things, but some days, I just don't have it. And when people call me out on it, I don't know what to do. I shouldn't be sad about things- I have a job, a good family, my health, and friends; but it's those other things I mentioned before that make me feel like I'm missing out. 

As long as I can remember, I've never quite fit in anywhere. In my family, I was always the one who sort of did her own thing- the lost cause- the one with all the problems. In school, I never had a definitive set of friends, and I never fit in with one particular clique- I sort of had friends every where- which is good in some ways, but now I just feel like I didn't try hard enough- I wasn't a nerd, but I also wasn't stupid- I was just average. In college, I kept to myself- I didn't have that college experience that most people had- I did my work, went to my internships, and that's it. I never even went to one party in college! I didn't start really coming out my shell until I joined CrossFit. And even now, through all of my struggle, and new found confidence, I still feel like I don't belong. I over-compensate and try to make everyone happy, and in turn, I make myself feel worse. It's a bad cycle. 

I'm there- I give my all during WODs, but most of the time I feel like I'm still so far behind where I should be at this point in my CF career. Everyone else is making great gains, and I'm here just still being average- or slightly below average. It's frustrating. So then in turn, I self medicate with food, and it becomes a vicious cycle. I work so incredibly hard at the workouts, and then go home and eat shitty because I feel bad about myself. I will add in, I'm eating way better than I was pre-CF, but still, why am I doing this to myself? Thankfully, my amazing coach (and awesome girl-crush) Kaylee has been helping me get back on track. Food is my drug; It's something that could kill me and also something I can't live without. I guess I'm having a hard time finding that healthy balance. But I am working on it- it's just going to take some time. 

As most of you know, I've been trying online dating for a while now. The reason I decided to share all of these private things with you, is because I had a moment while online that made me lose all faith in humanity. Now, I'll warn you, this is pretty graphic- so if you don't want to read it- stop here. haha. 

I had been talking to this guy for a while- just online- I gave him my number, but he never took the initiative to be a real man and call me. I didn't think anything of it, I just figured it was a dumb guy being dumb. So we continued chatting online..for a long time. All of a sudden, out of no where, he asks me what my fetish was. Usually, I just block people when it gets to this point, but I decided to play along for a bit. You guys no me- my only fetish is a uniformed man- doesn't matter what kind of uniform- hah. So then I asked him what his was, and here's where it gets awful- He said he wanted me to pleasure him by wearing a big, black, strap on. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I just lost it. I blocked him, and deleted my account. And he wasn't joking- just in case that's what you're thinking. All I could think of after that was- is that the kind of vibe I'm giving off? Someone who will do anything, just because I'm a larger lady and presumably easy? Well you know what, that's completely wrong. I deserve the good things just like every other woman. I'm sick of scumbags, and losers, but I can't get rid of them completely. Some of the most important people in my life would be labeled as a scumbag, in today's society. Why can't I get rid of them (him)? Because they (he) is one of my friends, and I care about them (him) immensely. And perhaps the most important reason is that I'm developing feelings for this "scumbag." And I can't because I just can't. I'm not his type, he's not my type, but there's something that attracts me to this mess of a person. I feel confident that he'll never see this, because naturally, I care more than he ever will- so he probably will never read this.

I know that it's taking a risk, putting all of this stuff out there- I could lose one of the people in my life that I truly care about, even though it could be good for me. I'm just feeling lost. and I don't know how to get myself back to a place where I'm that strong willed woman that I was a few months ago. I've been seeing a new therapist, and have been working through some of this stuff, so this was my way of bringing it into the light and stop tip-toeing around everything. 

I promise, next blog post will be 100% more positive- I'm done living with this pity party attitude. Time to woman up and get it together. I'm a good person, and I deserve the best and it's time for me to start believing that. 

Thanks for letting me vent and get this off of my chest- sorry if I offended anyone with my gross online dating story, but it happened, and it definitely scarred me. 

I can't thank you guys enough for your positive reinforcement and help over the past year and a half. I'm starting to make it out my shell, and I could not do it without the help of people like you all. Thank you will never be enough! <3

<3 AA