Off the wagon....

Hey everyone!

So it's been a tough couple of weeks for me. I felt myself losing control, and slipping back into my hold habits. I can't believe how fast I could go back to my old way of life. After all of the hard work I've put into this life change, why would I ever go back to the way I was? I don't know. Maybe I'm a self-saboteur, maybe I was feeling bad about other aspects of my life, and looked to food to help me get through it, maybe I saw my other friends not suffering as much as me to be healthy, and got depressed. Maybe it was the sligh t man troubles I was having.  Whatever the reason, I let it happen. I found myself missing workouts because I was tired, aka I didn't want to go. I know we all have those days where we just can't go, but how did I let it turn into 4 days??? Today I realized that I've worked too hard to let it all go now. Also, I've been feeling terrible both physically and mentally since skipping all of those wods. I never realized how much they actually affect my mood. My body feels like that of an 80 year old woman- my back hurts, my knees hurt, and even though they still hurt when I crossfit, it hurts in a different way. A good way.
Food wise- I've been eating awful stuff. Subs, calzones, breadsticks, mozzarella sticks, cookies-  like what am I doing?? I just don't even know why I thought that any of that would ever be a good idea. EVER. I felt like a drug addict getting my fix. It is so strange to think of food as a drug, but that's exactly what it is. I could very well be going through the same thing, but with heroin instead. That's what scary. My mentality is that of a drug addict. I then started to feel like a hypocrite, because my best friend, Laura was asking me for advice on meal planning, and how I get ready for the week, etc. and I'm giving her this info while eating Sunchips. How awful is that? He asking me for help really helped put my struggle back into perspective. It was just the kick in the pants I've been needing.
Along with Laura, one of RCFBC's members, Tammy is a certified health coach, and she posted a link to sign up for a late summer detox that she is running. She couldn't have posted that at a better time. It's a week long detox, where she'll be there to coach me and the other people in the group, every step of the way. I am very excited to start that next week. I think it's going to give me a lot more momentum and help me find my way back on track.
It's hard for me to talk so openly about my struggle with food. Obviously, I didn't get to be this way by eating salads and chicken. Food has always been my number one drug in life. But it's a drug that you can't live without, so I must learn to live with it. Growing up in a large Italian family of 6 has not made this process any easier. There is food everywhere- at all times. No one is forcing it on me, but I need to figure out how to process my own thoughts toward food. I know what I need to do in order to lose weight, but I am so easily tempted. It's a problem. I just don't understand how I became this way. How does my brain process food this way? This is definitely something I need to explore more with my therapist. I hope there is a way that I can change my thinking of food how I use it as a drug.

In addition to slipping off the healthy eating wagon, I have also missed the past week of crossfit classes. My back has been killing me- I think I hurt it during our heavy hatch squats, but I'm not sure. Still, I did wods with a broken wrist, I definitely could have done them with a hurt back. I was using it as an excuse. I don't know why I didn't want to go- I just didn't have the motivation to get there. So I just skipped. I thought it would only be one day, but then it turned into two, and so on and so forth. I can't believe how guilty I felt after missing so many classes. Like guilty as in robbed a bank- but all I did was miss a few workouts. Why should I feel guilty? I'm only hurting myself, right? I think I feel guilty, because I have so many people rooting for me, who want me to succeed, and I'm letting myself down, and I'm letting them down. And that's not cool.

So now that I finally have my head on straight, after a couple of weeks of craziness, I'm ready to bring it. I did my meal prep for the next few days, and I'm feeling more than excited to get back to my regular crossfit routine. I miss being in that atmosphere, having everyone rooting for one another. I need that in my life. You would think I missed like 2 months of classes- it's not even been a week. That's how much this is a part of my life. I need it.

Whatever happened is done- it's time to move on, and focus on getting back into the game. I'm ready to get after it. Thank you to everyone who has been supporting me through this whole process- I had a temporary setback, but I'm ready to get back to it. There is no reason why I can't do this- I deserve it. I'm focused and  ready to go. See most of you in class tomorrow!!

Love always,
-A

A little eye candy- Garret Fisher <3

Rich, Matt, & someone else so hot. haha

And for the Gents, Here's Camille Leblanc Bazinet!